#thewifehunt begins.

I am starting this blog as a way of venting I think.

Some of you may feel that #thewifehunt is synonymous with #firstworldproblems.
To clarify: Despite my increasingly acute bouts of FOMO, I am not documenting this journey because I think I am in a uniquely desperate situation. In fact, it’s the opposite. I am in a pretty common situation.
So why talk about it?

Firstly, because my constant stream of mishaps, awkward moments, and failures entertains my friends and colleagues so much it seemed only charitable to spread the joy (see The Husband and The Puncher).

Secondly, because sometimes it isn’t funny. I’m human. There is soul searching and sadness. Every such low point is worth documenting because dating teaches you about yourself if you are willing to learn.

Thirdly, because I think lots of people are in the same boat as me, but the tone of most articles related to being “single and searching” are pretty negative. They make me feel like I must be either socially inept, undesirable, or incapable of “finding happiness by yourself”. I am none of the above. So I am offering a different narrative.

I am a 28 year old woman. I live in a buzzing and interesting city. I have genuine, nourishing, and positive friends. I have enough money to be comfortable (if I am sensible). I have a bustling social life. I have my health. I am making my passion my profession. I am emotionally intelligent. I am as committed to my mental health as my physical health – so diet and exercise are just as important to me as my weekly therapy sessions. I am attractive. I am strong because I have weathered a lot of storms. I accept my vulnerabilities and triggers. I am thoughtful about other people’s as a result. I find joy in lots of simple things. I accept that I get hangry easily.

All in all, I am grateful and happy with my life (#selffive). I just really want someone to share it with. Despite all my fantastic friends, I increasingly find myself feeling lonely. There is a certain intimacy and dynamic you only have with a partner. To me, it’s just about a natural urge to have a companion. Your special person. The other member of your team.

So, I am hurling myself out there with a mission. I am on the hunt for a wife.

I will pimp myself out on every app/site/billboard I can access. I will start going to more gay nights – even though Short, Gangsta-Wannabe, Butch Lesbians are the only people to ever hit on me.

I am going to be open minded and open hearted. I am going to take risks. I am going to get hurt, as well as have an amazing time.

I will document what happens on here until the hunt ends.

Wish me luck.

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Searching for different fireworks.

Following my realisation that I am in my own way, I reflected back on the one relationship I have had which breaks the pattern.

Lets call her ShropGirl.

Now, I don’t want to look back on ShropGirl with rose-tinted spectacles and pretend our relationship was perfect. It was not perfect. But it was ordinarily imperfect, certainly by the standards of my other relationships… (which have, alongside excessively grand loving gestures, involved varying degrees of volatility, hurt, reinforcement of childhood wounds, and verbal abuse).

giphy4

 

My truth is so cliche and, frankly, embarrassing, that it pains me to type this out – but I have to accept is. So far I have only felt “in love”/really into someone who brings hurting as well as loving into the relationship. In the absence of hurting, it hasn’t felt like love.

  1. Unhealthy me + unhealthy person + unhealthy relationship = LOVE
  2. Unhealthy me + healthy person + healthy relationship = ?

 

All my relationships have been Option 1, except ShropGirl. She was Option 2.

…and I broke up with her because I felt like she didn’t love me enough, that she’d never fall for me, that we were too ‘safe’.

2. Unhealthy me + healthy person + healthy relationship = BORING / NO LOVE

 

Our relationship was short – seven or eight months. But in that time, we had a great time. It was easy, fun, compatible. We enjoyed similar things, she tried new things, so did I. My friends liked her, she was in a related line of work, I found her attractive, our sex life was great (which is apparently usually a stumbling block when unhealthy dates healthy). But I felt bored and vulnerable due to investing in someone who wasn’t doting on me, telling me how incredible I am, acting crazy about me.

giphy5

Basically, this is bullshit.

 

Again, I have realised that ending it with ShropGirl was me getting in my own way. I think I did love her, without realising that I did. I don’t think I recognised what the feelings I had towards her were… because my definition of love was so skewed.

It is perhaps quite telling that we are not friends now. She only got into another serious relationship a couple of years after we broke up – and only after she stopped talking to me. I was angry at her for distancing herself from me, especially as it felt random two years after our break up, and two years back into friendship. But I have more compassion now.

Anyway, wishing ShropGirl well, and wanting to stop being in my own way, I think my new dating approach should be to actively work against my instinct/any draw to “volatile”/”exciting”, and more effort for the potentially “boring” – by my old standards. I remember it being easy, and happy with #ShropGirl.

That doesn’t sound “boring” to me anymore.

At all.

Maybe that means …..

Healthy Me + Healthy Person = Healthy Relationship

is on the cards?